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 :: 1947-, American Journalist

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Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.
~ P. J. O'Rourke - [Seriousness]

 

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I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a ''learning experience.'' Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a ''learning experience.'' It makes me feel less stupid.
~ P. J. O'Rourke - [Twentieth Century]

 

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Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God's infinite mercy, a last resort.
~ P. J. O'Rourke - [Politicians and Politics]

 

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You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money.
~ P. J. O'Rourke - [Poverty and The Poor]

 

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In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.
~ P. J. O'Rourke - [President]

 

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I am a journalist and, under the modern journalist's code of Olympian objectivity (and total purity of motive), I am absolved of responsibility. We journalists don't have to step on roaches. All we have to do is turn on the kitchen light and watch the critters scurry.
~ P. J. O'Rourke - [Journalism and Journalists]

 

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The principle feature of American liberalism is sanctimoniousness. By loudly denouncing all bad things -- war and hunger and date rape -- liberals testify to their own terrific goodness. More important, they promote themselves to membership in a self-selecting elite of those who care deeply about such things. It's a kind of natural aristocracy, and the wonderful thing about this aristocracy is that you don't have to be brave, smart, strong or even lucky to join it, you just have to be liberal.
~ P. J. O'Rourke - [Liberals]

 

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Majority rule is a precious, sacred thing worth dying for. But -- like other precious, sacred things, such as the home and the family -- it's not only worth dying for; it can make you wish you were dead. Imagine if all of life were determined by majority rule. Every meal would be a pizza. Every pair of pants, even those in a Brooks Brothers suit, would be stonewashed denim. Celebrity diet and exercise books would be the only thing on the shelves at the library. And -- since women are a majority of the population -- we'd all be married to Mel Gibson.
~ P. J. O'Rourke - [Majority]

 

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Newsmen believe that news is a tacitly acknowledged fourth branch of the federal system. This is why most news about government sounds as if it were federally mandated -- serious, bulky and blandly worthwhile, like a high-fiber diet set in type.
~ P. J. O'Rourke - [News]

 

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Nothing bad is going to happen to us. If we get fired, it's not failure; its a midlife vocational reassessment.
~ P. J. O'Rourke - [Optimism]

 

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Farm policy, although it's complex, can be explained. What it can't be is believed. No cheating spouse, no teen with a wrecked family car, no mayor of Washington, D.C., videotaped in flagrant has ever come up with anything as farfetched as U.S. farm policy.
~ P. J. O'Rourke - [Farming and Farmers]

 

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One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it's remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver's license.
~ P. J. O'Rourke - [Free Will]

 

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Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
~ P. J. O'Rourke - [Government]

 

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The government is huge, stupid, greedy and makes nosy, officious and dangerous intrusions into the smallest corners of life -- this much we can stand. But the real problem is that government is boring. We could cure or mitigate the other ills Washington visits on us if we could only bring ourselves to pay attention to Washington itself. But we cannot.
~ P. J. O'Rourke - [Government]

 

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When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
~ P. J. O'Rourke - [Congress]

 

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There's no telling what might have happened to our defense budget if Saddam Hussein hadn't invaded Kuwait that August and set everyone gearing up for World War II. Can we count on Saddam Hussein to come along every year and resolve our defense-policy debates? Given the history of the Middle East, it's possible.
~ P. J. O'Rourke - [Defense]

 

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Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
~ P. J. O'Rourke - [Drugs]

 

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Marijuana is self-punishing. It makes you acutely sensitive, and in this world, what worse punishment could there be?
~ P. J. O'Rourke - [Drugs]

 

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No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the sources of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
~ P. J. O'Rourke - [Drugs]

 

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Maybe a nation that consumes as much booze and dope as we do and has our kind of divorce statistics should pipe down about ''character issues.'' Either that or just go ahead and determine the presidency with three-legged races and pie-eating contests. It would make better TV.
~ P. J. O'Rourke - [Elections]

 

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