If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
~ Rodney Dangerfield - [Sex]

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
~ Rodney Dangerfield - [Respectability]

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
~ Rodney Dangerfield - [Jealousy]

My wife and I were happy for twenty. Then we met!
~ Rodney Dangerfield - [Marriage]

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
~ Rodney Dangerfield - [Marriage]

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
~ Rodney Dangerfield - [Food and Eating]

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
~ Rodney Dangerfield - [Confession]

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
~ Rodney Dangerfield - [Age and Aging]

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
~ Rodney Dangerfield - [Children]